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<a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2023/04/07/live-chat-carolyn-hax/#link-0916f03dd21142148d058fdfd54e6841" target=_blank>Adapted from an online discussion.</a>

Dear Carolyn: My mother-in-law, “Mia,” is dying of cancer, and I want to find a path that respects her wishes without throwing our blended family into chaos. My husband and I married two years ago after one year of dating. We each have two teenage children. Blending the families has been difficult, but we’re in a mostly good place now.

Mia is a lovely woman who was very welcoming to me and my children. When she got sick, I noticed “tiers” forming in the family. She wanted just her two kids, no in-laws, involved in decisions about her care. Sometimes she would ask my brother-in-law and me to leave the room during her treatment. I have been respectful of that, but it’s not the greatest feeling.

Mia also requested that once she enters hospice, her visitors be limited to just her children, biological grandchildren, and sister and brother — no in-laws, no steps. She would like to say her goodbyes to the rest of the family before.

I find this somewhat hurtful, but I think my children will find it extremely hurtful, and I worry it will throw off the household peace. I have asked my husband to speak to his mom, but he is unwilling to. He feels it is more important that she doesn’t feel pressured than other people’s feelings be considered. I fully recognize that Mia has the final say, but I worry about the long-term consequences. Should I speak to my husband again? Speak to Mia myself? Accept her decision?

Tier: Accept her decision, please. You and your kids basically just arrived in Mia’s life. I don’t think it stands as any kind of statement on your worth that she reserves her last attention for people she has known their whole lives.

Your job is to make it clear to your kids that dying is difficult and stressful on the dying, not just on their families — and Mia can love and appreciate them and reasonably say her goodbyes to them upon entering hospice. (Which, by the way, patients don’t necessarily “enter,” like a facility; it’s a change in type of care.)

Nick Galifianakis

I’ve written an advice column at The Post since 1997. If you want advice, you can <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2024/03/04/carolyn-hax-ask-question/" target=_blank>send me your questions here</a> (believe it or not, every submission gets read). If you don’t want to miss a column, you can <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/newsletters/carolyn-hax/?method=SURL&location=ART&initiative=CONTEXT" target=_blank>sign up for my daily newsletter</a>. I also do a live chat with readers every Friday: You can <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/advice/carolyn-hax-discussions/" target=_blank>submit a question in advance or join me live</a>. Follow me on <a href="https://www.facebook.com/haxadvice" target=_blank>Facebook</a> and <a href="https://www.instagram.com/carolynhaxadvice/" target=_blank>Instagram</a>.

I could easily argue the “tiers” you find upsetting are quite fair. It’s fair to give the people closest to Mia more of her limited days. So even within the tier of people visiting during hospice, I expect some (say, her two children) will see her more than others (sibs or grands). We really are allowed to be closer to some people than others, no? As long as there isn’t arbitrariness or cruelty within tiers, like allowing in favorites but not black sheep.

As for wanting a say in Mia’s care, please stop. My family dealt with several parental illnesses, and my sisters and I handled their care. That was utterly appropriate, and none of our partners said boo. Ailing adults get to choose their advisory boards — be it one partner, just their kids or 15 chosen family. Access is not portioned out based on loved ones’ sensitivities.

I don't mean this to be snarky. Just trying to establish that inclusion is not relevant. Only Mia is.

Again: Your job is to help your children <a href="https://www.latimes.com/nation/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407-story.html" target="_blank">understand inner and outer rings</a> without internalizing it into doubts of their worth. That flows from you.

· You seem to be making the process of Mia’s dying very much about what you want and very little about what she wants. Please stop and think about that. Then see if you can’t give your husband’s dying mother the gift of empathy and selflessness.

Carolyn Hax started her Washington Post advice column in 1997, after five years on the Style desk and none as a therapist. The column includes cartoons by "relationship cartoonist" Nick Galifianakis — Carolyn's ex-husband — and appears in dozens of newspapers.

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Carolyn Hax: Spouse feels left out of mother-in-law’s dying wishes

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